Simmering

I'm an impatient person. I get offended extremely easily and I often take things to heart. I am the most irrational and petty human being I know. I always jump to conclusions and hold grudges against people for things they that they could do, but haven't actually done. How silly is that? Honestly, I have the maturity of an 8-year old. People like my sister and M have had a crap-tonne of experience with dealing with my BS, and why they're sticking around is beyond me. Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful for all of that, but if I were in their shoes, I'd probably ditch me. Ain't nobody got time fo dat! In all seriousness though, I spend a lot of my time being angry with myself for being so immature and petty yet do little to fix the problem. And when I do, it's always a "one step forward, two steps back" thing. In a nutshell, I suck. Why do I always see the worst in people, even if there isn't anything to get snarky about? Why do I worry about things that could happen instead of focusing on being happy in the moment and trusting that everything is okay? I still feel like I am the same 11-year old girl who started blogging all those years ago, the same kid with the same messed up emotions and the same ways of dealing with those emotions (aka, poorly). A close friend told me that if I wanted to do well academically, I'd have to "really want it." Similarly, if I want to get better, I have to really want it, right? And I do! I have the tools! I have the support! So why am I still stuck in this rut? Why am I always hung up over one issue or another? Do I, on some level, enjoy being miserable? What the hell, self. There is so much to be grateful for and happy about.

Sometimes I really just hate myself. Why is it so hard for me to be happy?

Curiouser and curiouser.

Over the past few weeks, I've been having bad dreams. I wouldn't call them nightmares per se because I've never woken up from any of them feeling terrified, but waking up with a teary face isn't much better either, so... I don't know. Nightmare or just a bad dream? Okay, hold on. I just Wikipedia-ed "nightmare" and it describes a nightmare as "an unpleasant dream that can cause a strong emotional response from the mind, typically of fear or horror, but also despair, anxiety, and great sadness." So I guess they are nightmares.

Anyway, the first nightmare I had in recent weeks was about my sister dying in a car accident. I had this dream days after finding out that a friend and former schoolmate of mine had passed away in a car accident. I remember waking up and taking a moment to reason with myself that it was just a dream, but in those minutes immediately following waking up, I'm generally very emotional, so I just ended up crying. And not crying in the meek, sobbing sort of way - ugly crying, with snot going everywhere and loud heaving. After being told that it was merely a dream and that my sister was alive and well, I went back to sleep, albeit feeling very unsettled. Several happy dreams followed through the weeks, including one about me eating a massive plate of nasi lemak (homesick? I think so). Last night, however, I had a dream about me wanting to buy something pricey, but my mum wasn't able to pay for it. We argued a lot in that dream, and she insisted that I didn't need this one thing (I seriously don't know what it was, but I wanted it badly) and of course, I fought back. She ended up slitting her neck and leaving behind jewellery for me to sell so that I could use the money to buy that thing I wanted. Why she had to die is completely beyond me. I woke up feeling very disturbed and distressed because it was just so visual. That image of walking into a room and seeing my mum's lifeless body with a pool of blood around her is something I won't be able to forget for a very long time. Earlier this afternoon, I dozed off while reading articles for my assignment, and dreamt about a friend who I haven't talked to in 4 months. We were 15 again, donning our prefect uniforms, and walking around our old school's grounds. We were giggly and talking about an upcoming pelantikan pengawas (prefect initiation? I don't know if that's the correct translation. I've always referred to it in its Malay term) ceremony, and who was going to be on the new committee. I awoke from the dream with mixed feelings - this person was very dear to me for a long time, and we were probably closest when we were 14 and 15, before I had moved to JB. I thought our friendship was pretty much over because I'd attempted to reconnect with them in the past, but the results weren't very fruitful. I guessed I missed them more than I thought I did. Michael suggested that I missed their companionship. I can't say he's wrong. Our seniors used to say that this friend and I were joined at the hip. But what can you do? I have no right to force this person to remain my friend if they don't want to. I suppose I haven't had a friendship like the one I had with this person since we "stopped" being friends (it's not as childish as it sounds; my vocabulary is just very limited), and I miss that special bond.

I rarely get nightmares. By rarely, I mean only a few times a year. Why I seem to be having more and more now is something I need to figure out. Maybe I have more to worry about and my subconscious is telling me that I should deal with these problems. I don't know.

Lethargic

Ideally, this post should be about Friday's night market/pasar malam organised by MSS and TUU, but pause just for a moment. I've had a pretty bleh week at uni, and preparing for the night market was pretty stressful. The night market itself was fun but tiring, and yesterday, there was a Malaysia Festival meeting with the rest of the organising committee, as well as a failed attempt at studying at night... So I guess you could say I was feeling pretty unmotivated in general. But I'm glad I had someone with me over the weekend.

:)

I'll blog about the night market sometime tomorrow, after I get a bunch of photos from Michelle P and Michelle L. For now, it's time for a mug of jasmine tea and the usual weekly phone call from home.

Shallow Waters

Day 1 of semester 2 and I'm already feeling demotivated. Well, that didn't take long, did it? Honestly, I feel like shrugging off all responsibilities and taking a nice, long bubble bath with music playing in the background. Kinda like this, actually:

(who doesn't love JD?)

For now, I have Mondays free, but this may change depending on whether or not I decide to take another unit this semester. So classes officially start at 9am tomorrow for me. I'm afraid of screwing up this semester the way I did during the first half of the year. I'm afraid of once again, proving to be nothing but a failure to my loved ones. I'm afraid of losing passion for the things I'm studying. I'm so afraid. But I know that staying that way will only be detrimental and it will only make things worse. I can't dwell on my failures for too long, that much I know. What I can do, however, is to keep my chin up and trudge on.