Simmering

I'm an impatient person. I get offended extremely easily and I often take things to heart. I am the most irrational and petty human being I know. I always jump to conclusions and hold grudges against people for things they that they could do, but haven't actually done. How silly is that? Honestly, I have the maturity of an 8-year old. People like my sister and M have had a crap-tonne of experience with dealing with my BS, and why they're sticking around is beyond me. Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful for all of that, but if I were in their shoes, I'd probably ditch me. Ain't nobody got time fo dat! In all seriousness though, I spend a lot of my time being angry with myself for being so immature and petty yet do little to fix the problem. And when I do, it's always a "one step forward, two steps back" thing. In a nutshell, I suck. Why do I always see the worst in people, even if there isn't anything to get snarky about? Why do I worry about things that could happen instead of focusing on being happy in the moment and trusting that everything is okay? I still feel like I am the same 11-year old girl who started blogging all those years ago, the same kid with the same messed up emotions and the same ways of dealing with those emotions (aka, poorly). A close friend told me that if I wanted to do well academically, I'd have to "really want it." Similarly, if I want to get better, I have to really want it, right? And I do! I have the tools! I have the support! So why am I still stuck in this rut? Why am I always hung up over one issue or another? Do I, on some level, enjoy being miserable? What the hell, self. There is so much to be grateful for and happy about.

Sometimes I really just hate myself. Why is it so hard for me to be happy?