Curiouser and curiouser.

Over the past few weeks, I've been having bad dreams. I wouldn't call them nightmares per se because I've never woken up from any of them feeling terrified, but waking up with a teary face isn't much better either, so... I don't know. Nightmare or just a bad dream? Okay, hold on. I just Wikipedia-ed "nightmare" and it describes a nightmare as "an unpleasant dream that can cause a strong emotional response from the mind, typically of fear or horror, but also despair, anxiety, and great sadness." So I guess they are nightmares.

Anyway, the first nightmare I had in recent weeks was about my sister dying in a car accident. I had this dream days after finding out that a friend and former schoolmate of mine had passed away in a car accident. I remember waking up and taking a moment to reason with myself that it was just a dream, but in those minutes immediately following waking up, I'm generally very emotional, so I just ended up crying. And not crying in the meek, sobbing sort of way - ugly crying, with snot going everywhere and loud heaving. After being told that it was merely a dream and that my sister was alive and well, I went back to sleep, albeit feeling very unsettled. Several happy dreams followed through the weeks, including one about me eating a massive plate of nasi lemak (homesick? I think so). Last night, however, I had a dream about me wanting to buy something pricey, but my mum wasn't able to pay for it. We argued a lot in that dream, and she insisted that I didn't need this one thing (I seriously don't know what it was, but I wanted it badly) and of course, I fought back. She ended up slitting her neck and leaving behind jewellery for me to sell so that I could use the money to buy that thing I wanted. Why she had to die is completely beyond me. I woke up feeling very disturbed and distressed because it was just so visual. That image of walking into a room and seeing my mum's lifeless body with a pool of blood around her is something I won't be able to forget for a very long time. Earlier this afternoon, I dozed off while reading articles for my assignment, and dreamt about a friend who I haven't talked to in 4 months. We were 15 again, donning our prefect uniforms, and walking around our old school's grounds. We were giggly and talking about an upcoming pelantikan pengawas (prefect initiation? I don't know if that's the correct translation. I've always referred to it in its Malay term) ceremony, and who was going to be on the new committee. I awoke from the dream with mixed feelings - this person was very dear to me for a long time, and we were probably closest when we were 14 and 15, before I had moved to JB. I thought our friendship was pretty much over because I'd attempted to reconnect with them in the past, but the results weren't very fruitful. I guessed I missed them more than I thought I did. Michael suggested that I missed their companionship. I can't say he's wrong. Our seniors used to say that this friend and I were joined at the hip. But what can you do? I have no right to force this person to remain my friend if they don't want to. I suppose I haven't had a friendship like the one I had with this person since we "stopped" being friends (it's not as childish as it sounds; my vocabulary is just very limited), and I miss that special bond.

I rarely get nightmares. By rarely, I mean only a few times a year. Why I seem to be having more and more now is something I need to figure out. Maybe I have more to worry about and my subconscious is telling me that I should deal with these problems. I don't know.