Achilles' heel, or something.

Growing up, my dad constantly repeated this phrase: "Respond, don't react." He always said this because I had (and still have) the tendency to act on impulse when something happens. Basically, I don't think things through before saying things and "responding" appropriately, so more often than not, I end up being quite callous without meaning to. What often happens is this: I'll lash out at the person I deem responsible for pissing me off, then a few hours/days later, I'll mull things over and realise I acted rashly, in hindsight. This happens 99% of the time. The people who know me well enough to weather through the initial thunderstorm that is my immaturity are pretty kickass, I have to say. And thank you for sticking with me. You'd think that I'd have grown out of this bad habit by now, being 21 and stuff, but the sad reality of it is that I haven't, and I don't think I will ever make it a mile out of the irrational mind-town I inhabit and have inhabited for the past two decades. I've made one or two minute "improvements" over the past two years (thank you, Michael) by actively trying to be patient with the people who tick me off easily (usually my mum) and trying to see things from their point of view before saying anything that could potentially hurt their feelings. It works, but not all the time. I still snap sometimes (although it takes me longer to do so than before), and I always clam up and mumble/say as little as possible because talking will make me even angrier. Having to explain why I feel the way I do and reflecting on it makes my blood boil and results in me crying most of the time. I'm not sure why this is so. I refuse to put all the blame on my parents, but I'll acknowledge that part of it comes from being raised by two individuals who view talking about problems as a sign of weakness. Parents are not perfect and neither are their progeny. It's slightly easier for me to open up to a few people about the problems I'm facing, but most of the time, it's easier to brush it off with an "I'll be okay" or "Just going through a rough patch, don't worry about it." That way, fewer people will worry, right? And fewer people worrying will mean fewer questions, ergo I won't feel cornered by being pressured to talk. That's another problem. Even though the people who know about so-and-so problems that I'm facing ask questions about them, with little to zero pressure for a "right" answer, or even an answer at all, I always misinterpret the gesture as being put on the spot by a psychiatrist. It's unhealthy, I know. I've been given the "people just care about you" speech more times than I can count, and although I know it's true, I can't believe it. I instinctively get defensive when people ask me questions when I'm down, because I feel like they expect logical and "correct" answers from a person whose mind doesn't operate logically in times of distress. And if I don't deliver the correct response, I'd just be disappointing them even further.

See? I don't make sense. I know I'm nuts but it's how my brain perceives things. So... I guess you could say my perception is pretty effed up. Anyway, back to my main point (me reacting instead of responding) - does it bother me that I act like this? Yes, because it frustrates people when I lash out and am abrasive, and I dislike making people unhappy. So I pacify them by telling them I'm okay, so they won't have to worry or ask questions. Seems like a pretty crappy solution, to be honest. But it's one that has worked pretty well. As with most posts, I don't know what conclusion I'm supposed to come to. It's kind of awkward, ranting about this one thing for a while, but not knowing how to end the topic. I was quite upset at the beginning of this post but writing has calmed me down a little bit. My head and chest no longer hurt, which is nice.

8 years

I met up with a couple of old friends yesterday. I've known these girls since we were 13, and hahah, holy crap, we've been friends for 8 years - I find that so hard to believe, to be honest! Our friendship hasn't had the smoothest of rides, with arguments, passive-aggressive behaviour, and drifting apart getting the best of us at times. I'm just glad I was able to see them after so long, and I take comfort in the fact that although a lot has changed, the essentials haven't. Hahah, okay, I'll stop being cheesy now. Aside from seeing the girls, I was reunited with roti banjir... no big deal (actually, no, it's a huge deal).

Fun fact: we all go to the same orthodontist in SS15. Shoutout to Dr Jagjit for fixing our crooked teeth!

Jess and I headed to her house (sort of) in Sunway to check on her dog for a while, and man, that pooch was cute. Her name is Momo and she was extremely friendly and adorable. :) After some time, we made our way to Bangsar because we wanted to check out lunch at Antipodean. Getting to Bangsar from Subang was surprisingly quick and easy, but finding a parking spot was a huge pain in the butt. We ended up parking at Bangsar Village II and walked from the car park to Antipodean, which was bustling and lively as the lunch crowd had taken over.

Choosing something from the huge menu was difficult, but I settled on the big breakfast, which consisted of scrambled eggs, chicken sausage, mushrooms, toast, and a hash brown. The serving was surprisingly big and satisfying!

Jess had the salmon marlborough something something HAHAH I can't remember what it was called but it tasted pretty good!

We got stuck in traffic on the way back to Subang, so of course, we had to take selfies. I'm only posting the most flattering one because we look hideous in the rest, hahah!

I'm glad we got to see each other, the 3 of us. It's been a long time and I've realised that I can't not be close to them, despite all the crap that has happened. I had a really good time and look forward to seeing them again before I leave for Tassie sometime in February. :')

Oddly enough, I woke up on the wrong side of the bed today and moped around the house with a cloud over my head. Sometimes you just get days where you feel... Off. Today was one of them, and it bothered me slightly more than usual because I've never had so many off days in a year as I have this year. I've lost count of the number of days where I just feel like lying on my bed and staring at the walls for the whole day, with little to no regard for anyone or anything else. Uni kept me on my feet for the most part, but now that I'm on holiday, I can actually just drape myself on the couch/bed and immerse myself in that dark, weird feeling that I can't shake off as easily as I used to. I took the K10 quiz (the Kessler psychological distress scale) on the Beyond Blue website earlier tonight, and my score was 34, which indicated a high level of distress. I snorted at the result, mostly because I'm in denial. The results page suggested that I see a GP but at this point in time, I don't want to do anything while I'm home because my parents would just fret. How do you even bring the topic up? "Hey mum and dad, I've been feeling worthless and mildly depressed for the past year or so, how about that?" Yeah, no. I've started writing in a journal again, which I've been told helps somewhat, and I'll see how things go. If nothing improves, well, I guess I'll go back to seeing the uni counsellors. 

ANYWAY, enough with my problems. My parents and I are heading to KL tomorrow for beef ball noodles, which I haven't had in about 3 years now. Wow. More noms to come!

HOME!

Hello, Malaysia! It's been a while.

I've only been back for 2 days but oddly enough, it feels like I've been back for a couple of weeks. I have to admit, leaving Tassie wasn't easy. As the plane left Hobart airport's runway, my heart sank and I already felt miles away from that beloved island. As I listened to the two slightly pudgy men beside me talk about the conference they attended in Hobart, I thought about how weird it was that I had become so attached to the island. I didn't think I would.

Arriving in Melbourne was nothing short of boring, and there was a pretty crappy surprise for the passengers of EK409 when we found out that our flight to KL would be departing at 5am instead of 3:35am. I spent my time in transit watching the remaining episodes of Breaking Bad and was sufficiently blown away by the series finale. The flight was full (aka there were no empty seats left at all) and there were many toddlers on board - more than I'd ever seen. Emirates staff also reshuffled my seat so I ended up in an aisle seat, wedged between a Scottish man and a woman from a country I couldn't identify (by her accent, I mean). I slept for 3 hours during the flight, pretty much from the moment we took off - I didn't even realise I'd slept through the safety announcement until I woke up. As the plane neared KL, the toddlers on board started crying. It was like a chorus of squishy, warbly creatures with scrunched-up faces and balled-up fists that got louder and louder as we descended. Thank goodness I couldn't hear most of the crying because of the earplugs I got from Michael during exam season.

One funny thing I noticed as I got past immigration in KLIA was the unfriendliness of the locals. I walked up to the counter and said, "Selamat pagi!" The dude behind the counter glared at me and nodded slightly before taking my passport and scanning it. I thanked him and he didn't respond. I guess being in Australia, where customer service is pretty darn awesome and cashiers at Coles/Woolies ask about how you are and how uni is going, is the exact opposite of how employees treat customers here in Malaysia. Saying hello to a cashier here would just illicit a surprised and hostile reaction, usually followed by a grunt and/or a nod. Staring blankly at the baggage carousel took about 50 minutes because the bags took unusually long to come out, but seeing my mum waiting for me at the arrivals gate was definitely worth the wait. Up until yesterday, I hadn't seen my mum in about 9 months - the longest I'd gone without seeing her. I'd forgotten how small she is, and I had to try not to hug her too hard because I'm pretty sure she'd actually break if I did. Meeting the new driver was pretty nice, he's very friendly and easy to talk to. Surprisingly, it wasn't terribly hot when I got back, which was a relief. I crashed for about 4 hours in the afternoon until my dad got home because I was so exhausted from the long trip.

I'm missing Tassie slightly less today, probably because it's so good to be back home and with my parents (sister is coming back in 2 weeks, yay!!!!!!!!!!!!!). I'm looking forward to eating 'til my stomach explodes and seeing the rest of my family and friends. It's really quite nice to be back (mark my words, though - at the end of January, I'll be aching to go back to Tassie).

PS I checked my exam results in the plane once we touched down in KL and I DID NOT FLUNK ANYTHING! Heck, I did a lot better than I'd expected for Environmental Management and Behavioural Ecology! WOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO YAY YAY YAY

Blackjack

21 years old today. Over two decades on this planet now. How did that happen? Where did all the bratty, angsty, drama-loaded years go? Damn. Obviously, I don't feel any different. The only thing that has changed is my age. In terms of how I look, behave, think, and so on, they're all the same. D'oh. It's not as if my body could magically reboot at midnight and upgrade my software (granted, that would be slightly cool). Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that being 21 hasn't changed a whole lot.

 I don't understand people who don't like dogs. I really don't.

Yesterday was a day of nomz. Literally. Lunch and dinner were fairly heavy. My life seems to revolve around loving/hating food, usually both at the same time...

For lunch, Fred, Hannah, Michael, and I tried out this new, slightly hipster-ey place in North Hobart called The Burger Haus. The atmosphere was pretty laid back and the restaurant owner's name is Fabio. I kid you not. The burger I had was pretty mindblowing, just saying. The onion rings, shoestring fries, pesto aioli, and house aioli were to die for! Definitely going back for more. :)

Shameless selfie in the car. No biggie.

 Dinner was had with Michael and his parents at Orizuru, which is located inside Mures by the boats. We ate a lot! We had futomaki, vegetarian futomaki, dinner bento (which was pretty goooood), teriyaki chicken, vegetable tempura (amazing and light batter), agedashi tofu, and kara age. Pretty good spread on the menu!

 Hi yes we are cute.

 :)

Ended up sleeping early last night because I was just so, so full. Woke up this morning to...

... my new baby! 30L waiting to be filled up with my laptop, books, and random paraphernalia. Can't wait to take this bad boy to Seoul!

I have also dedicated the entire day to watching season 4 of Breaking Bad, accompanied with bumming around and eating occasionally. I'm not used to doing elaborate things for my birthday so honestly, this is as good as it gets, and I quite like this. (also, thank you to everyone who has wished me happy birthday!) Leaving Tassie in 2 days, arriving home in 3 days. I am quite excited... Quite excited indeed.

Done!

Uni's done and dusted for another year. Finally. This year has definitely been the most stressful academic year I've experienced thus far... It wasn't fun, but there were some really solid moments throughout - and I am so grateful for that. Anyway, last night I "hosted" (parentheses necessary because it sounds and looks weird without them) a small get-together/early birthday thing at the Metz, mostly because I wanted to catch up with my friends before they flew home for summer or got busy with their own plans. It was the first time I was playing host, ever (yes, pathetic, I know) - so I was pretty nervous, but it turned out alright (I think). :)

Finally saw this dude after, what, 7 months? Crazy! We had brain hemorrhage shots together, which tasted like cough syrup. Mmm, gotta love that blue cough syrup.

Zi Yang, Naz, and Rach! 

Andre has been one of my most loyal friends as well as my ranting buddy (we always complain about zoology and geography assignments). Plus, we both have really corrupted minds.

Med friends - Jan and Sandeep! :)

So glad I went for MASA, otherwise I wouldn't have gotten to know these two!

The caption for the photo above applies to this one, too!

Pailin has a huge heart and says the funniest things. She's such a lovely girl :)

Internet friends! (cue Knife Party's Internet Friends song) Was great seeing you, Kristof.

Love.

Birthday shot, as promised, with Michael K, who is unfortunately allergic to malt. Hee.

14 days until I go home, 15 days until exam results come out. Ahhhhhhhhh. I don't even.... Bah. Not going to think about it for the time being - just going to enjoy my 2 weeks in Tasmania before I head home and spend time with the family. And eat a crap-tonne of good old Malaysian food. And consequently gain at least 5 kilos.

Simmering

I'm an impatient person. I get offended extremely easily and I often take things to heart. I am the most irrational and petty human being I know. I always jump to conclusions and hold grudges against people for things they that they could do, but haven't actually done. How silly is that? Honestly, I have the maturity of an 8-year old. People like my sister and M have had a crap-tonne of experience with dealing with my BS, and why they're sticking around is beyond me. Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful for all of that, but if I were in their shoes, I'd probably ditch me. Ain't nobody got time fo dat! In all seriousness though, I spend a lot of my time being angry with myself for being so immature and petty yet do little to fix the problem. And when I do, it's always a "one step forward, two steps back" thing. In a nutshell, I suck. Why do I always see the worst in people, even if there isn't anything to get snarky about? Why do I worry about things that could happen instead of focusing on being happy in the moment and trusting that everything is okay? I still feel like I am the same 11-year old girl who started blogging all those years ago, the same kid with the same messed up emotions and the same ways of dealing with those emotions (aka, poorly). A close friend told me that if I wanted to do well academically, I'd have to "really want it." Similarly, if I want to get better, I have to really want it, right? And I do! I have the tools! I have the support! So why am I still stuck in this rut? Why am I always hung up over one issue or another? Do I, on some level, enjoy being miserable? What the hell, self. There is so much to be grateful for and happy about.

Sometimes I really just hate myself. Why is it so hard for me to be happy?

Sunday evening

Just jotting down a few thoughts that are floating around in my head.

It's interesting how relationships between siblings vary from family to family. Hearing someone say that they can't even spend short periods of time with their sibling was so foreign to me. My first thought was, "What a pity." Does that response make me a bad person? But I'm glad my sister and I are thick as thieves.

I'm also glad that an old friend is properly back in my life.

I should be panicking right now. I have 3 (almost 2) days until my first paper and my brain feels as empty as a Proton car.

That's pretty much it.