Achilles' heel, or something.

Growing up, my dad constantly repeated this phrase: "Respond, don't react." He always said this because I had (and still have) the tendency to act on impulse when something happens. Basically, I don't think things through before saying things and "responding" appropriately, so more often than not, I end up being quite callous without meaning to. What often happens is this: I'll lash out at the person I deem responsible for pissing me off, then a few hours/days later, I'll mull things over and realise I acted rashly, in hindsight. This happens 99% of the time. The people who know me well enough to weather through the initial thunderstorm that is my immaturity are pretty kickass, I have to say. And thank you for sticking with me. You'd think that I'd have grown out of this bad habit by now, being 21 and stuff, but the sad reality of it is that I haven't, and I don't think I will ever make it a mile out of the irrational mind-town I inhabit and have inhabited for the past two decades. I've made one or two minute "improvements" over the past two years (thank you, Michael) by actively trying to be patient with the people who tick me off easily (usually my mum) and trying to see things from their point of view before saying anything that could potentially hurt their feelings. It works, but not all the time. I still snap sometimes (although it takes me longer to do so than before), and I always clam up and mumble/say as little as possible because talking will make me even angrier. Having to explain why I feel the way I do and reflecting on it makes my blood boil and results in me crying most of the time. I'm not sure why this is so. I refuse to put all the blame on my parents, but I'll acknowledge that part of it comes from being raised by two individuals who view talking about problems as a sign of weakness. Parents are not perfect and neither are their progeny. It's slightly easier for me to open up to a few people about the problems I'm facing, but most of the time, it's easier to brush it off with an "I'll be okay" or "Just going through a rough patch, don't worry about it." That way, fewer people will worry, right? And fewer people worrying will mean fewer questions, ergo I won't feel cornered by being pressured to talk. That's another problem. Even though the people who know about so-and-so problems that I'm facing ask questions about them, with little to zero pressure for a "right" answer, or even an answer at all, I always misinterpret the gesture as being put on the spot by a psychiatrist. It's unhealthy, I know. I've been given the "people just care about you" speech more times than I can count, and although I know it's true, I can't believe it. I instinctively get defensive when people ask me questions when I'm down, because I feel like they expect logical and "correct" answers from a person whose mind doesn't operate logically in times of distress. And if I don't deliver the correct response, I'd just be disappointing them even further.

See? I don't make sense. I know I'm nuts but it's how my brain perceives things. So... I guess you could say my perception is pretty effed up. Anyway, back to my main point (me reacting instead of responding) - does it bother me that I act like this? Yes, because it frustrates people when I lash out and am abrasive, and I dislike making people unhappy. So I pacify them by telling them I'm okay, so they won't have to worry or ask questions. Seems like a pretty crappy solution, to be honest. But it's one that has worked pretty well. As with most posts, I don't know what conclusion I'm supposed to come to. It's kind of awkward, ranting about this one thing for a while, but not knowing how to end the topic. I was quite upset at the beginning of this post but writing has calmed me down a little bit. My head and chest no longer hurt, which is nice.